Once upon a time I decided to share some of the pages of my life that were hard to write. The one’s I tried so hard to cover up. I told you about the adoption process my husband and I embarked on, and how the birth mother ending up keeping that sweet baby boy that we so loved and cared for. I told you about the aching, unanswered question of “why” that constantly filled my mind. The pain that filled our hearts that beated with the hope of being parents, and lastly, I told you about the faithfulness of the Lord EVEN IN the confusing, heart wrenching, dark moments of my life.
Those pages were a part of the greater story, as hard as they were, and I just can’t help but share what happened next. Shortly after the adoption process ended, Jarrid and I prayed about trying to have children. We both had a peace about becoming parents, and were beyond excited to dream, plan and wait for the day that we would have a positive pregnancy test.
Hours passed. Days passed. Months passed. After dozens of negative pregnancy test and nights of endless sobbing, I decided it was time to talk to my doctor about trying to conceive. She told me a few reasons that it would be extremely difficult for me to become pregnant, but figured there wasn’t any hurt in trying. We tried again, and again, and again. Nothing changed – except my heart, that is. It became hardened, cynical, angry and deeply saddened.
After months and months of trying, my doctor decided to put me on some medication that might combat issues I was having and increase the chances of us becoming parents naturally. For the first time in a long time, I was filled with hope, excitement and joy at the possibility and thought of becoming a mommy. I just knew it was finally my moment. Surely God wouldn’t dangle this desire in front of my f ace, only to snatch it away. Never, not a loving, giving, all powerful God. What happened next blew my mind and shattered my heart.
“Mrs. Wilson, I hate to be the one to tell you this…but if you want to have a baby, you may want to look into getting some fertility treatments. There really isn’t anything else I can do for you. At this point, I’m afraid it’s going to be nearly impossible for you to become pregnant naturally.” These are the words my doctor spoke to me. The words that scarred my soul. The words I threw at God’s face in anger.
Contrary to what I wanted to believe, life doesn’t always get instantly better after it has been bad – sometimes it gets worse so we can learn to appreciate the best when it comes. When God decides to give it. That’s what He was teaching me, although I couldn’t see past my circumstances to notice it at the time.
It was in that moment of weakness that the Lord got ahold of my heart again and began to ask me some tough questions:
“What do you want most in life, Juli? Is it me, or is it a child?”
“Do you trust me, Juli? Or do you only believe what your doctor is saying?”
“Have I ever failed you, Juli? Am I enough for you?”
Over the next few months, my focus shifted off the desire to become a mama as I dove head first into scripture to learn more about the Lord. I came to know His goodness. Seasons started to change, and my heart went right along with them – everything was fresh, bright and lively again. My passion was back. The desire to be a mother didn’t go away, but it did take the back seat to my desire to become a closer daughter of the King. I became a child of faith again instead of obsessing so tirelessly after having one of my own.
Fast forward a few months. I started feeling a little “off” – tired all of the time, moody, nauseated. Could it be? But we haven’t even tried fertility treatments. We haven’t seen another doctor. The old me became filled with fear, afraid to add another negative test to the bag of pregnancy tests I had hidden from my husband for so long. Then it happened, a sweet peace came over me – one that can’t be described, that only comes from above. I knew the Lord had blessed us with a baby, and for the first time, that little test showed two blue lines. Tears filled my eyes as thankfulness and shouts of joy filled my heart. Our little miracle. Such joy. I won’t soon forget that moment.
Life won’t be a perfect fairy tale of happily ever after now that I am pregnant, although we are filled with so much joy and excitement. The path to parenthood will be hard, and I’m sure at times I’ll ask God that familiar question of “why” all over again. Through the good times and the bad I hope to always remember that Jesus is the only worthy obsession. He alone deserves our hearts. He alone can satisfy them. He alone knows what we need.
I don’t know where you’re at in life right now, but I can tell you this for sure – you are NOT alone. You are seen, you are loved, you are important. There is a God who holds every tear. He hears your prayers. He longs to guide your life. Life isn’t about getting everything we’ve always wanted, it’s about getting to know the One who has all we could ever need and pointing others towards him.
Here’s to another adventure! Life with God sure is such a wonderful, worthwhile journey. I love you tremendously, little baby Wilson, our sweet miracle.
Love and Hugs,