Hello, sweet child of mine. I’m sitting near your tiny crib right now, listening to whimpers and coos fill the room as you lay back and dream. Every now and again, your face begins to beam with a sweet glow that takes my breath away. You smile and then quickly dose back off to sleep. My heart leaps with joy when I look at you, son. You are such a gift. A tiny, perfect gift.
I want you to know how wanted you were, how wanted you still are. Once upon a time, a few years ago, daddy and I prayed for a baby. We were both hopeful that we would be parents, and after trying for a while with no luck, Mama decided to go to the doctor for a checkup. The news that followed crushed your mom’s heart. You see, bud, mommy was told that she would never have a child of her own. They told me it would be nearly impossible, and to save myself some heartache, I might as well give up on the whole idea all together. Devastation filled my heart. Thankfully, I knew exactly where to take that brokenness – to the one who has already made me whole.
Regardless of what doctors told us, Mama and Daddy continued to pray for you. I can’t begin to tell you how many nights I would lock myself in the bathroom, pregnancy test in hand, hoping that this would be “the month”. Time after time, only one blue line showed up. My heart would sink and tears would flow into a deep puddle. That bathroom floor knew my sorrow well. My hands were blistered from hitting the ground. My heart was broken into a million tiny pieces. In those moments, the Lord taught your mama how to stay positive, even when the pregnancy test came back as negative. For months, bud, I would take these tests without your daddy knowing. I didn’t want him to share in the disappointment, It was almost too great to bear. So, into a brown paper bag they would go. That bag stayed safely tucked away in a box in my closet. I continued to pray. I continued to seek. I continued to wait.
Fast forward to August, 2014. Mommy had been feeling a little bit different. My tummy was twirly, my head was achey, and I would cry over things like tacos and cheesy songs on the radio. I knew something was up, but I tried to protect my heart from getting let down. I prayed for a few days, asking the Lord to prepare me for this one last pregnancy test. The last one I’d allow myself to take for a while. He instantly replaced my fear with peace. I knew it was our season. I knew we’d hold you soon. I took the test. It was faint, but positive. Joy filled my entire being, buddy. I can’t put in words how thrilled, blessed, honored and over joyed I felt. I let your daddy know. He couldn’t believe it at first. In fact, he made me take several more just to be sure. After three more positive tests, I opened up and showed him the bag of negatives. It was a sweet release. A way to let go of the heartache of yesterday to say hello to the redemption that today held.
I know you get antsy, little buddy, so let me speed things up a bit. Thursday, May 21, 2015 started off as mundane and ordinary as any day possibly could. I woke up early and I must admit, I was a little (okay…extremely) grumpy after struggling to sleep all night. At 8 1/2 months pregnant, I found myself tossing and turning throughout the night, having crazy hot flashes, night sweats and the most realistic nightmares I had ever experienced before. Needless to say…I didn’t wake up humming show tunes or lacing up my sneakers to go on a refreshing outdoor walk like the ladies in “Fit Pregnancy” magazine.
Throughout my pregnancy, you, my sweet little Finch, tried to make your grand entrance a little bit earlier than expected, so my doctor tried to keep an extra close watch on everything. We wanted our little shrimp to keep on cooking as long as possible. Fast forward to 10AM on that same morning. I was at my weekly doctor appointment, when a tech took me back for one last ultrasound. As soon as she turned on the monitor, I could tell something just wasn’t right. My amniotic fluids were nearly non existent. The rest of the ultrasound was painfully quiet, and the tech’s face re-enforced the gut feelings I originally had.
“Okay! We’re all done. Go ahead and make your way to the room on the right. Your doctor will be right in to go over the ultrasound with you.” The next five minutes seemed to tick by slower than any Jarrid and I had lived through before. But then, at the sound of a knock, our lives changed forever. The doctor didn’t go over the ultrasound, he didn’t even begin to tell us anything about it, he just said “It’s baby time” – those three little words will forever sound in our minds as the most exciting call to action of all time.
The rest of the day went by extremely fast. An epidural was given to me almost immediately. I was only in labor for about 4 hours, and I honestly couldn’t ask for a better experience. Daddy and I were both cool as cucumbers, and the calmness that swept over the delivery room was truly amazing. I started to feel some pressure and let the nurse know that it was “go time”. She checked me and assured us that it would probably be a few more hours before it’d be time to push. She was an AMAZING nurse, loving and funny and seriously the best, but I knew that it was time. You were letting me know that you were ready to meet us. I asked her to check again, just to be extra sure. When she did, everyone was amazed – it actually WAS time to start pushing. We would be meeting our sweet boy soon.
After just 4 rounds of pushing, your amazing daddy looked over and said, “Babe! He has blonde hair!!! He’s almost here…keep going!!” I starting laughing, crying and pushing harder than any time before. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, one tiny little cry resounded across the room. A tiny, perfect, wide-eyed little boy was placed in my arms, and my heart grew 1 million times bigger in an instant. Tears flowed and all I could say is “Thank You, Lord!” over and over and over again. That moment is indescribable, really, and will never be forgotten. It’s etched in my heart forever. May 21, 2015. 6:27 pm. 5lbs, 18 inches of perfection.
You are our dream come true, Thomas Finch Wilson. Mama and Daddy couldn’t have handpicked a better fit for our family. You are gentle, sweet, loving and calm. You rarely cry, except when you’re hungry or need a diaper change. My favorite time with you is early in the morning – the world is asleep and it’s just you and I, singing and giggling and staring into one another’s eyes. I cherish our little dates, buddy. They are so priceless to me.
Your favorite thing right now is bath time. You especially love when the warm water hits your soft little skin, washing away the lavender scented soap. Afterwards, mama massages your skinny little feet with lotion. You’re still trying to decide if you like that or not. You’re not a huge fan of having your diaper changed, but you love when we put you in a fresh, clean outfit and then swaddle you in a cozy blanket. I love watching you unwind and fall asleep. Your sweet little blonde eyelashes flutter, and every now and again you glance up at mama with a smile. I love rubbing your sweet little forehead while you begin to coo and snore. It gives my heart so much joy.
Son, no matter where you go or what you do, my hope is that you always know how deeply loved you are. By God, by Daddy and I, and by everyone else around you. We’re in your corner. We believe in you. The Lord has huge plans for your life, bud. You are here for a purpose. I have no doubt that you’re going to change the world. You’ve already changed ours in just three short weeks, and you continuously show me glimpses of God’s goodness. You are my sunshine, little Fin. Thank you for loving me so well.